I believe this is not my Real Writing
This is the second day after my seventh chemotherapy treatment. Shocking for those who thought the previous one is going to be the last. No - the miracle did not happen again. Perhaps this time, it's something I have to accept and understand its reasons. Of cource, I still need time to think it through because I'm a little depressed deep down. And it hurts when at first you thought it was going to be a miracle as you believed, and as promised by God, then it didn't turn out the way it did.
I'm not running away; I'm not angry with Him; I'm not losing faith, neither am I going to quit. I'm just a little depressed, and depression can cause me to write silly things sometimes, maybe speak stupid languages at times. So, I'm taking this time alone by myself to think things over and perhaps re-evaluate myself and my spirit.
I know God is with me through all tough times and hazards, that's why after thinking this through I'm going to pray and ask for forgiveness but what's more is the peace of mind and spirit again. As I can picture myself alone in the desert and one spirit is talking logical non-sense, and I feel really upset, not with God, but with the situation. I just want to be free from this health prison. Why is it not the time yet? How long will it take?
It's been very very hard on me, though I know there're people out there who are suffering worse than what I'm going through, but for me alone, I know my limits, and since the forth chemotherapy, I'm beginning to have thoughts of giving up. Nevertheless, I didn't because I know people still needs me; my family still needs me. To go through the eighth cycle of chemptherapy is way out of my limits. This is what I felt the day I got my ST Scan results. That day, things began to flood my mind. They just makes feel like a crippled person. I can't eat this; I can't eat that; I can't do this or that; I'm losing my body-shape; I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy; I can't go to places I used to love going to; I can't run the speed I used to have. I felt my strength is like... half-gone. Basically, I'm feeling really handicapped and this has me feel the same way a handicap person is feeling. Forgive me, I'm just... so sad.
I'm not running away; I'm not angry with Him; I'm not losing faith, neither am I going to quit. I'm just a little depressed, and depression can cause me to write silly things sometimes, maybe speak stupid languages at times. So, I'm taking this time alone by myself to think things over and perhaps re-evaluate myself and my spirit.
I know God is with me through all tough times and hazards, that's why after thinking this through I'm going to pray and ask for forgiveness but what's more is the peace of mind and spirit again. As I can picture myself alone in the desert and one spirit is talking logical non-sense, and I feel really upset, not with God, but with the situation. I just want to be free from this health prison. Why is it not the time yet? How long will it take?
It's been very very hard on me, though I know there're people out there who are suffering worse than what I'm going through, but for me alone, I know my limits, and since the forth chemotherapy, I'm beginning to have thoughts of giving up. Nevertheless, I didn't because I know people still needs me; my family still needs me. To go through the eighth cycle of chemptherapy is way out of my limits. This is what I felt the day I got my ST Scan results. That day, things began to flood my mind. They just makes feel like a crippled person. I can't eat this; I can't eat that; I can't do this or that; I'm losing my body-shape; I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy; I can't go to places I used to love going to; I can't run the speed I used to have. I felt my strength is like... half-gone. Basically, I'm feeling really handicapped and this has me feel the same way a handicap person is feeling. Forgive me, I'm just... so sad.
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