Aftermaths

Although the days are over... my discomforts still linger here and there. I had gastric yesterday and each meal I prayed that I'll be be fine after eating, as the circular movements in my bowel will make my life a living hell. I'm now better today, at least, the uneasiness is at its minimum. Lord, I pray I'll get better each day and that you'll strengthen me for my next and my last treatment that is coming.

Yesterday I was crying out to God, and telling Him what I felt. In fact, I was pouring my sorrows and deepest regrets I have been keeping inside me all these years. I've never felt that my life is on the line before; and the feelings of wanting to live so strongly. All these while when I'm sickly in bed, I felt so paralysed and helpless. Besides the discomforts, I experienced pain in my heart. It's the pain that I've never felt before in my life. It's a kind of sorrow that I've been crying out to God. I want to be free from this illness; all this pains, and they have taught me many lessons as I took the time to recollect and self-reflect. I felt so ashamed of my past and how I've been such a bad child of God, rebellious; egoistic; possessive; self-empowered.. I poured all my heart-felt shame and regrets to God and the Holy Spirit swept through the entire room and touched me. I broke down and wept time and again. That point in time was the time I'll remembered how God consoled me, forgave me, took away all my shame and loved me. I felt I deserved all this as a form of lesson and I believe that God wants me to change for the better. So at that point in time, I could feel God hugging me back again in His arms and telling me it's gonna be alright and I'm going to be through with this in a while. It was a touching moment that even that I'm writing this now, it's still affecting me.

Sometimes, when we repent and confess our past sins, big and small, we might tend to repeat it once in a while. But God is faithful because He said that He forgive all sins to those who confess and repent. That does not means we repeat our mistakes but God wants us to have true repentence. And true repentence doesn't come easily from one's heart. It is through one's sincerity of the heart to wanting to change and also, it's an importance to ask for guidance to change so that God will lead us the right way to change and encourage us along the way. Change is a process, so it's essential to ask for guidance because as sheep, we may lose our way.